Why?

well, i am a high school girl with no one to spend my lunch with. this is because recently one of my "friends" (lets call her Mary) told me that she "doesn't think that we should hang out any more" (this has never happend to me before) which has basically led to me having no friends, because all the ones i thought i had decided that i wasn't worth the trouble of pissing her off! now this all came as a complete shock to me coz i've known her for over five years, and i know i'm neurotic and annoying, but i figured anyone who has known me for that long already knew this! also if you had asked me who my best friends were, 'mary' would have been one of them! clearly i'm a poor judge of character!

so the reason i started this blog (despite the very low chance of anyone acctually reading it) was because i have no - one to talk to who won't go and tell someone else about it, so i'll tell you!

I haven't changed, i have been this way the whole time! 'mary' hasn't changed that much either, but what has changed is her friendship with a certain "little miss perfect" - you know the kind of person i mean, the one who no matter what you do or how well you do it, you always feel like the're looking down on you, like they're better than you- so in the last 6 months or so 'mary' has been spending more time with 'miss perfect' coz they've had free periods together so get to spend more time together and 'miss perfect' has never liked me, i don't know what the hell i did but she just doesnt like me! maybe i'm not into the right music or brands or whatever but basically she's a bitch to me. so isn't it just a fantastic cooincidence that now that 'mary' spends more time with 'miss perfect' i'm not good enough for her either!!!

ok so why do i now have no friends you ask? well back at the begining of this year (when life was good) we were all one big group of friends (there were ten of us so it really was a big group) and a series of small and stupid arguments and misunderstandings led that to become two seperate groups, what was basically a three and a six, with me in the middle. now i wasn't the only one who didn't hate the smaller group but i was the only one who listened to both sides of the arguements and flatly refused to pick a side! i realise now that this was a really stupid thing to do! but the three had two of my oldest friends and the six had some of my best (or so i thought). after this the three made some new friends and i basically stayed with the six. after the holidays a couple of the six left to go to college so it was a four plus me. (i know that was confusing but bare with me!)

So when 'mary' and 'miss perfect' decided that i wasn't good enough for them, the others decided to stick with them. Now i know what you're thinking, since i didn't pick a side why not just spend more time with the three, well i would; except i am completely socially retarded so i don't get on so well with their new friends and i feel like i make it akward and i don't want to ruin anybody elses lunch by tagging along where i'm not wanted - which leads back to me spending 45 minutes a day with no-one to hang out with whilst trying to hide the fact that i am now a complete loner (lets not even go into my weekends which are depressingly dull). all this has left me with no good friends at school and a parinoia that the two girls that left don't actually want me to talk to them either. A parinoia which isn't helped by the fact that one of them seems to be ignoring my texts, even though i told her to just tell me if she doesn't want me to talk to her and she said that she did want to stay friends. But if thats true why the hell is she ignoring me?

this is why i started this blog, coz i'm fairly certain that after that i need a therapist to tell all this crap to, but this is much cheaper!